Teenagers: 20 Tips for Parents
1. Set as few rules as possible, then stick to them.
Avoid getting into battles over trivial issues by setting arbitrary rules. Arguments over music or styles simply aren't worth the grief. Each nagging word weakens your position until you reach a point where what you say is meaningless to your teenager and he or she just stops listening. So save your disapproval and discipline for something important.
2. Expect your rules to be tested.
If your family standards are based on deep convictions rather than day-to-day whims, your teenager will be likely to respect them. But every adolescent tests the boundaries of acceptable behaviour as a part of growing up, so bear in mind that this period of testing is a positive one, even though it may be upsetting for you. And remember that if a parent fails to provide boundaries, the adolescent will have to test other people’s authority and the rules of society as well.
3. Expect good behaviour and you'll probably get it.
A youth who is labeled bad or a troublemaker, either at home or in school, will come to conform to that expectation because they'll begin to believe it's true. Stress their positive traits rather than emphasizing their short-comings, and they will probably respond by wanting - and trying - to live up to your confidence in them.
4. Always listen attentively.
It hurts when a parent is always too busy to listen. Watching tv or retreating to your work when a young person needs to talk to you may close off the possibility of real, comforting communication. Teen-agers need responsive feedback from their parents, and the best way to give it is to listen when they talk.
5. Maintain the generation gap.
Teenagers resent parents who try to be a part of their world just as much as they are offended by indifference or rejection. Take a stand on your own ideas and values even when they are different from your son's or daughter's. And remember that upholding your own views doesn't mean you are forcing your youngster to agree with you
6. Don't moralize.
As they test standards, teenagers may say things that astound their parents. But nothing turns them off faster than hearing you lecture them, particularly when you repeat the same message again and again. Find a way to say what you believe without lecturing.
7. Try not to make promises that you can't keep.
This is a difficult rule to adhere to, but if you must break a promise, try to have a reason that is valid in your teenager's eyes. If you do have to change a promise, don't hesitate to do so, but apologize and plan to make it up on some other occasion.
8. Let your teenagers work out their own lifestyles.
Everyone is different from everyone else. Parents should learn to accept the individuality of their children just as they do that of adults. So don't hold up the son or daughter of a friend or relative as an example of a satisfactory child. Try to think long-term when a teenager shows an early desire to go his or her own way. This is a healthy sign of growth. But also, negotiate with them about goals and responsibilities.
9. Use your common sense.
And don’t forget your sense of humour! As they get older, teenagers need to know that you are more than a parent, you are also another person with ups, downs and your own personality too. Flexible negotiation with teens about goals and responsibilities can help.
10. Don't worry when they don't talk.
So what if your teenagers don't always feel like telling you what they're doing? Youngsters prefer sharing a good many of their feelings and thoughts with friends close to their own age rather than with their parents. If you think back to your own adolescence, you'll remember how important it was for you to reserve some secrets to be told only to a special friend.
11. Enlist the help of your older teenagers in understanding the younger ones.
If you have two children in or approaching adolescence, ask your older teen for advice or insight regarding the younger one's behaviour from time to time. It's a marvellous way to bring them into your thoughts, and since brothers and sisters do know things about each other that you probably don't, they can help you through the inevitable rough periods.
12. Be patient.
Allow your adolescents to make their own mistakes, accepting their failures as not only forgivable but as a necessary part of learning to cope with life. We become impatient and unforgiving because we equate our children’s failures with our own. Parents need to learn that their sons and daughters are separate human beings and not extensions of themselves.
13. Respect their privacy.
Nothing is more upsetting to an adolescent than to have his privacy invaded by parental prying - listening in on phone conversations, reading his e-mail, and inspecting drawers. You may have some anxious moments in sticking to this rule if you happen to be suspicious about something, but resist the urge to snoop. Your efforts in refraining from the temptation to do so will earn the trust of your children - and increase the chances for cooperation.
14. Don't be afraid to admit that you're human and can make mistakes too.
Your children might as well hear it from your own lips. Showing a teenager that you can be flexible and open to their ideas will help them rely on you more, not less. Knowing he or she can trust you to be fair and see their side of the problem will encourage them to listen to your advice rather than to argue against it.
15. Try not to condemn.
Some teenagers are more independent than others, and this can be a source of family conflict when parents disapprove of their teen’s choices. Although your youngsters may strain your patience to the limit, do refrain from condemning them; this will only drive them further away from you. Let them know that you disagree with them, but always leave the door open for friendly communication. As long as you are honest about your own feelings, and loving and respectful of theirs, they will develop endurance and character.
16. Don't get caught in the middle.
Young people may try to manipulate their parents by going separately to Mom or Dad with secrets they don't want the other parent to know. This kind of family conspiracy is difficult to live with and may be extremely harmful to family relationships. Talk regularly with your spouse, and whenever possible, try to collaborate in decision-making.
17. Let your children know that they mean everything to you.
If your teenagers accomplish something that you are proud of, notice it and praise them for it. All young people need love and respect, so give it to them freely. Your teenager needs to know that you love her or him no matter what happens.
18. Be available when they need you.
So what if you miss that special television show or are late for a party or have to drive your teenagers to a meeting, picking up four of their friends along the way. They will be grateful, and you won't be troubled by foolish guilt over those times when you do something for yourself, first.
19. Don't try so hard to communicate.
If you try too hard you may find that your teenagers will view your efforts as nagging or prying. Actions speak louder than words. And listen more when they want to talk. What you do will help communication far better than your attempts to use gimmicky techniques.
20. Remember the years of active parenting are nearly over.
Being a parent of a teenager is, in many ways, the hardest part of parenthood because it means letting them become themselves. Teenagers are beginning to learn about their identities, young adult responsibilities and relationships. Accept that your work as an active, “hands-on” parent is nearly over. Good job!
And as they become independent, remember that this doesn’t mean they are rejecting you! It is probably time to encourage their growth and work on a more adult-like relationship with your teen.
Rev. 01/03
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